Dear Kay

Kay,
I have no idea how to start this letter to you and I have debated how to give it you.  Do I hand it to you, sneak in one of your school books, write it and put it in a drawer for later, write it and hide it in my closet?  However, I realized, since this letter is more for me than it is for you and ... while I hope you do read it someday ... I have to just put it out there. Whether anyone stumbles across it and reads it is not really the point. The point is that I get all these thoughts and feelings out of my head and heart and into the universe. (and I'm purposely using this blog because almost no one ever reads it)

We are going through a tough time. You say that I don't understand and you are right. I don't understand what it feels like to be you.  To be gorgeous, clever, cheeky, curious, independent, athletic, funny, 5'1", 105 lbs, Korean, adopted, an only girl among brothers, the middle child, anxious, a perfectionist, creative, hard on yourself, stubborn, maddening, exhausting, manipulative, loyal, social... there is so much I don't understand and never can.  Because, I'm not you.  No one is and thats magical. You are so uniquely and wonderfully you.- all the good and all the challenging bits.  I love you so much it makes my bones hurt.  (I know you hate it when I tell you I love you but ... it's the truth - my truth).

And, it's slowly killing me to watch you going through this tough time.  Some days you are the most delightful person to be around and other days (most days) your anxiety causes you to lash out, fight, procrastinate, get in your own way, say hurtful things and (sometimes) fail.   My head tells me that this is your way of protecting yourself and working through your feelings and emotions. My heart, however, slowly crumbles. And, on bad days, my 15 yr old self lashes right back out at you.

I am a fixer, a doer. I want to help. I want to make it all go away. I want to find a way to make it better, to help you see that this is just a moment in time and it'll all get better.

I wish I could take all the hard things I've been through in my life, box them up and give them to you to examine, to pick through, to learn from and that they would (magically) make it easier for you.  That you'd learn from what I learned and wouldn't need to go through all the terrible feelings and experiences that I have.

But, then I realize, I wouldn't be who I am today without those experiences and I have no right to take away your experiences and learnings. One day you'll have your own box that will make you who you will become.  It will be ugly and heavy and precious. It will be your scars and your triumph.  It will be beautiful and sacred because its all and only yours.

And, here's the hard part and the part that's truly about me.  As much as I am a doer, a planner, a fixer and want to  have some semblance of control, that is NOT going to work here.  I'm struggling. There is no way to plan for someone you love to go through a hard time. There is no way to get ready to watch you struggle.  Every time I see you in pain (which seems like every day right now) a bit of my heart breaks off. I know that I cause you stress and anxiety, just by existing. Just by living in the same house, just by being me.   I constantly wonder - am I doing enough? am I doing too much? is there something else I could try? is there someone who has a magic solution?  who can tell me (with certainty) that you'll be ok? that we'll be ok? I'm in an impossible situation.

How do I let go without you thinking I've given up on you? I'll never give up on you.  I have to figure out a way to honor where we are at, tears and laughter, without putting any expectations on what I can or can't do.  This goes against my very nature and it the hardest thing I've ever done.  Some days, I'm not doing it well at all.  Some days I'm exhausted. Some days I see a glimmer of hope.   Most days I have to remind myself to just trust and feel it and take one more step forward.

Ultimately, my wish for you is simple. That you learn that it's ok to ask for help.  It took me WAY to long to learn that lesson and I'm still not good at it so...I don't blame you for not wanting my help in this area but .... I promise, asking for help is not failure or weak or humiliating.  Asking for help is one of the most authentic and life affirming things you can do for yourself but also for the person that helps you.  Think about how good it feels to help someone else.  It's a gift.  I hope you learn this lesson much earlier than I did.

I love you.  Always.
Mom