Dear Kay

Kay,
I have no idea how to start this letter to you and I have debated how to give it you.  Do I hand it to you, sneak in one of your school books, write it and put it in a drawer for later, write it and hide it in my closet?  However, I realized, since this letter is more for me than it is for you and ... while I hope you do read it someday ... I have to just put it out there. Whether anyone stumbles across it and reads it is not really the point. The point is that I get all these thoughts and feelings out of my head and heart and into the universe. (and I'm purposely using this blog because almost no one ever reads it)

We are going through a tough time. You say that I don't understand and you are right. I don't understand what it feels like to be you.  To be gorgeous, clever, cheeky, curious, independent, athletic, funny, 5'1", 105 lbs, Korean, adopted, an only girl among brothers, the middle child, anxious, a perfectionist, creative, hard on yourself, stubborn, maddening, exhausting, manipulative, loyal, social... there is so much I don't understand and never can.  Because, I'm not you.  No one is and thats magical. You are so uniquely and wonderfully you.- all the good and all the challenging bits.  I love you so much it makes my bones hurt.  (I know you hate it when I tell you I love you but ... it's the truth - my truth).

And, it's slowly killing me to watch you going through this tough time.  Some days you are the most delightful person to be around and other days (most days) your anxiety causes you to lash out, fight, procrastinate, get in your own way, say hurtful things and (sometimes) fail.   My head tells me that this is your way of protecting yourself and working through your feelings and emotions. My heart, however, slowly crumbles. And, on bad days, my 15 yr old self lashes right back out at you.

I am a fixer, a doer. I want to help. I want to make it all go away. I want to find a way to make it better, to help you see that this is just a moment in time and it'll all get better.

I wish I could take all the hard things I've been through in my life, box them up and give them to you to examine, to pick through, to learn from and that they would (magically) make it easier for you.  That you'd learn from what I learned and wouldn't need to go through all the terrible feelings and experiences that I have.

But, then I realize, I wouldn't be who I am today without those experiences and I have no right to take away your experiences and learnings. One day you'll have your own box that will make you who you will become.  It will be ugly and heavy and precious. It will be your scars and your triumph.  It will be beautiful and sacred because its all and only yours.

And, here's the hard part and the part that's truly about me.  As much as I am a doer, a planner, a fixer and want to  have some semblance of control, that is NOT going to work here.  I'm struggling. There is no way to plan for someone you love to go through a hard time. There is no way to get ready to watch you struggle.  Every time I see you in pain (which seems like every day right now) a bit of my heart breaks off. I know that I cause you stress and anxiety, just by existing. Just by living in the same house, just by being me.   I constantly wonder - am I doing enough? am I doing too much? is there something else I could try? is there someone who has a magic solution?  who can tell me (with certainty) that you'll be ok? that we'll be ok? I'm in an impossible situation.

How do I let go without you thinking I've given up on you? I'll never give up on you.  I have to figure out a way to honor where we are at, tears and laughter, without putting any expectations on what I can or can't do.  This goes against my very nature and it the hardest thing I've ever done.  Some days, I'm not doing it well at all.  Some days I'm exhausted. Some days I see a glimmer of hope.   Most days I have to remind myself to just trust and feel it and take one more step forward.

Ultimately, my wish for you is simple. That you learn that it's ok to ask for help.  It took me WAY to long to learn that lesson and I'm still not good at it so...I don't blame you for not wanting my help in this area but .... I promise, asking for help is not failure or weak or humiliating.  Asking for help is one of the most authentic and life affirming things you can do for yourself but also for the person that helps you.  Think about how good it feels to help someone else.  It's a gift.  I hope you learn this lesson much earlier than I did.

I love you.  Always.
Mom

I had the unusual opportunity to go to Alaska for 5 days earlier in October.  It really was for work but it was the craziest situation. I had posted an idea on a national disability discussion board and literally got NO feedback on my idea. Expect from Lizette.  She does disability work in Alaska and wrote back "this is a great idea - you should come to our Catalyst event in early October".  I did a bit of research, assuming that I'd never be able to afford it but ... not so! The tickets were only $400 and when I told her I was seriously considering coming, she got me into the event for free. Yeah!!  (Turns out there is a reason that Alaska in October is a great deal. Everything is shut down.  Summer season is over and winter season hasn't started so many of the tour companies take vacation.)

Considering that its a big trip, I headed up a few days early to acclimate and see a bit of Alaska.  I was dead set on taking a train so that I could really enjoy the scenery but ... all the trains were shut down for the season.  So, instead of heading south to the peninsula (where all the cruise ships go), I decided to head north towards Denali. 

Its a 5 1/2 hour flight and I was gifted with a middle seat. The guy next to me literally slept the whole way (I even checked to see if he was breathing at one point) so I got caught up on movies Hidden Figures and Oceans 8, two great women power movies.

 After a late arrival, I got up the next day and took the train up to Talkeetna.   Talkeetna is a quirky weird little town at the base of Denali.  In fact, the TV show Northern Exposure is based on this town and I'd say that it was a fairly accurate description of the town.  Almost anyone that wants to climb Denali comes through this town to get organized.  They have a rich artist community, a micro brew (Denali Brew Company) and a long history of frontier adventures and myths (brothels, railroad work, gold mining, etc).  Its located at the juncture of 3 rivers so there is a ton of fishing and hunting as well.

The ride up was wet and rainy but very pretty views. Most of the trees are birch or black spruce and it reminded me of northern MN. When I arrived I quickly made friends with the people at the hotel I was staying at and got some good advice for my 2 days.  Dog sled training run, museum, hikes, Bean-a-fit, art show and ... a local open mic comedy hour.  It was looking to be a good 2 days!

It also turned into a very small world visit. Almost everyone I met was from MN, WI or MI.  One of the guys ex-wife lives in MPLS and his kids go to SouthWest.  One woman was from Mankato. The bike shop guy coaches the Alexandria Hight School Mountain Bike Team.  The 2 couples I walked home with on Saturday night were from Dodgeville.  The woman who picked me up for my dog sled ride went to Hope College in Michigan. It was surreal!  So many connections!

Sunday was a much sunnier day and the train ride was gorgeous.  Only 30% of the visitors actually get to see Denali so we were certainly blessed.  I arrived back in Anchorage with time for a late dinner.  The next morning I had time for a hike on one of the many bike paths that runs through the city and was rested and ready for my conference.

The conference was great, everything I expected. We used Human Design Thinking tools and really talked about the future of disability services.  The people were smart, from a variety of backgrounds and really open to new ideas.

I flew home on the red eye and really did manage to sleep the whole way.  (another middle seat)

All in all, it was the perfect little trip to Alaska - I'm definitely going back!!

Sunrise is 8:30am so it was pitch dark when we left Anchorage at 8:05am.

The view out the train window.

The train was fun and all the people working were super informative

More views

Black spruce

Rivers everywhere!

My town for 2 days - Talkeetna!

They converted the old airplane hanger into a small theater - thats where I saw open mic comedy night - the jokes focused on dating in Talkeetna, breaking up in Talkeetna and tourists. I felt a bit conspicuous. 

The MN High School State Champ Trophy from 2017

I LOVE walking through cemeteries, especially on vacation

They had a section for all the climbers that died on Denali. Including these Korean climbers

The cemetery is as quirky as the town

All the climbers who have passed

A copy of the newspaper article on the Korean climbers

Where the 3 rivers meet

My hotel - fancy ;)

At the local bar/grill/liquor store/market/VFW - The West Rib. seriously, I dont know how you eat this without getting sick.  My bartender turned out to be Heather, who was taking me dog sledding the next day so she introduced me to everyone at the bar.  Most of whom then were either in the open mic show or working at the open mic show. This is a very very small town.

Sunrise on Sunday morning 9am

On my walk Sunday

Dew and reflections

Heather has done the Iditarod 4 times and has a dog sled team of 20 dogs. She answered every single one of my questions and it was so cool to get an insider view of this sport.

She's famous!

She trains the dogs in the off season by having them pull this 4 wheeler, it was my seat for the training ride

When she gets out the harnesses the dogs go bat shit crazy. they all want to run

Lassie reminded me of Nikki

They can hardly stand it, they are so excited to run

Almost ready

Post training water break.

Her sled

2 of these dogs are still around and retired. Her dogs can live to be 17 and can race until about 13.  Her current favorite, Eddie, is deaf, 17 and the father of 5 of her other dogs that are all 13.

There it is! Denali!!

Again - on the way down the other mountain after our training ride

The signature Roesti - so so good but I couldn't eat any more. I had a 1/2 order and my plate was overflowing

It tastes way better than it sounds.

Denali from the town

Another view of the range

Yep

From the train

Dusk and train ride back

My morning hike on the Chester Creek Trail in Anchorage

My conference, note the mountains out the window. 

This place is closing and is a landmark. Reminded me of Captains Steak Joint. and seriously - another MN connection?!

My view from the window at our conference